Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
