Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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