My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
