not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
it's like iHOP with fire
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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