I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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