New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
