Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
