Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
