My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize