Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
