If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
