Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
