Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize