the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
