He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
