Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
