He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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