I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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