You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize