allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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