at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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