I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
