apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i believe in u and ur pee
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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