what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
