You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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