Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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