Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
