Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize