I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize