1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
