are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
