But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
