remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
