Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
