i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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