im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
