Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
