he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
