Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
