Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
