Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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