every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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