I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
