Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I could fuck to npr.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
