so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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