I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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