I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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