i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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