I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
