You're my little dorito
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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