if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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