dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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