we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
