If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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