so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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