Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
