i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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